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Behold! Training Begins!

Transcript written by Ponyo Fan and JellyfishJam38

  • (The screen says "Previously..." and it shows SpongeBob's tapestry, Patrick vomiting on the boat, the City of Trash, Sandy and Hoogra, the beginning of the race, Patrick with the axe in his butt, Patrick tied to the tree, SpongeBob on the cut tree, the Krusty Krab, the characters on the spider web, and the last scene in the tent)
  • All (from last episode) We're going to have a lot of fun here!
  • (Theme song starts.)
  • (End of theme song. SpongeBob is humming in his tent, when you hear something loud)
  • Man (very loudly) Training begins for the tribes today. Applications are denied if your armour is missing and must be due in one hour.
  • SpongeBob: Who are you, almighty one?
  • Man: I am Sensei, speaking through echoing bark. I am the owner of Swiss City. I will teach you the arts of battle.
  • (Patrick's tent)
  • Patrick: Cool!
  • Sensei: Ask any questions.
  • Sandy: Will I die here?
  • Sensei: There have been some reported deaths while training, but nearly all of them are due to incompetence.
  • Patrick: Am I in-inc-incon-incom-incomve-incompe-
  • Sensei: Incompetent, you mean? I'd say you probably aren't incompetent, seeing what you did to those trees.
  • South Clan Member: My name is Frugrum, and I would like to ask you a question: If this is training, then will there be a battle soon?
  • Sensei: Yep. The West and East clans are already battling. (Cut to outside, where two clans are stabbing each other with swords)
  • Frugrum: Okay.
  • (SpongeBob's tent.)
  • SpongeBob (writing application) Can I go out now?
  • Sensei: Sure, you can. Rest is permitted in the Swiss Hotel, or in your clan tent.
  • (SpongeBob walks out and waves at Patrick. He walks into the Swiss City Training Base.)
  • SpongeBob: Hey, this stuff is shiny.
  • Guard: DON'T TOUCH IT! You've got a chance of slicing your entire hand off, boy!
  • SpongeBob: Alright, alright. But where is my armor?
  • Guard: Have you checked in the drawer that says "SquarePants"?
  • (The screen goes to a closeup on the door.)
  • SpongeBob: Alright. (SpongeBob walks up to the drawer and begins to put the armor on off-screen.)
  • SpongeBob: It's...kinda...really...heavy...
  • (Cut to SpongeBob in the armour.)
  • SpongeBob: How do I look?
  • Random Clan Member: Rubbish!
  • SpongeBob (face falls) Thanks.
  • Guard: Ignore him. He's very mean. (Patrick comes in.)
  • Patrick: Is there a toilet in this thing?
  • Guard: Shut up!
  • Patrick: Okay. I am bursting though. (He sees SpongeBob in armour.)
  • Patrick: Woah! Where can I get my well-earned armour?
  • Guard: Look in the drawer saying "Star".
  • Patrick: But I can't read!
  • Guard: I'll show you. (He moves to about fifteen Star drawers) Wait, this is quite confusing. (He randomly guesses and puts his hand in one, which is Patrick's drawer.)
  • Patrick: Whoo! Mine! (SpongeBob walks out of the training base)
  • SpongeBob: Now I've got it on, what do I do?
  • Sensei (walking over to SpongeBob) Watch and learn. (SpongeBob sits down.)
  • Patrick (walking out of the training base) I like the part in Jaws 3 where the guy in the shark's mouth holding the grenade blows the shark up! Oh yeah, that wasn't what I was thinking.
  • SpongeBob: Sit here! We can be early! And stop talking about Jaws 3! It stinks!
  • Patrick: Okay. (He sits on SpongeBob) And Jaws 3 is pure gold compared to Jaws: The Revenge.
  • SpongeBob: I SAID STOP! And, could you please get off me?
  • (Patrick gets off him)
  • Patrick: Sure. Is there an IMAX in this place? I really want to see Saw XXVIII: I Saw You.
  • SpongeBob: There isn't much electricity in this place, definitely not enough to power a cinema.
  • Patrick: D'oh!
  • Patrick: I'll just stay put, then.
  • (Everyone rushes outside, armour on. Sandy sits next to SpongeBob.)
  • Sensei: Aha. Now I can start my lesson. (He brings out a dummy that looks like a monster.) Now, monsters are very common around these places.
  • Patrick (interrupting) What about spiders?
  • Sensei: Those are monsters, so, yes.
  • Patrick: What about trees?
  • Sensei: PATRICK STAR, THIS IS NOT A LESSON ON MONSTERS! WE ARE LEARNING TO BE SAFE WHEN IT COMES TO BATTLE!
  • Patrick: I get it.
  • Sensei: So, there are many monsters around this place, and you have a very high risk of death -
  • SpongeBob: Good to know that.
  • Sensei: - so the best way is to be a properly trained monster-fighter. To fight a monster, you need a weapon. (He pulls a katana out of his pocket.) The best way to kill a monster is a swipe across the stomach. (He gives the dummy a swipe across the stomach, and fake blood sprays all over the place) You can also give it multiple stabs. (He stabs it eight times and even more fake blood comes out.) Or, most people's favourite way, giving it a nice, clean decapitation. (He cuts the dummy's head off, it lands on his blade) Now, I've got enough dummies for all of you, so you can all practice the easy way before it comes to the next lesson. (He waves his katana and three hundred dummies appear)
  • SpongeBob: I wouldn't say "nice, clean decapitation" because decapitations aren't nice at all.
  • Patrick: What's a decapitation? (sees the dummy) Wooo! A dummy! (He chops it in half, and then eats it.)
  • Patrick: Sir, why does this taste like fabric, sawdust and red paint?
  • Sensei: Because it is fabric, sawdust, and red paint! You're not supposed to eat monsters!
  • Patrick: Well, I know why now. (coughs)
  • SpongeBob: My turn! (karate-chops dummy as it splits in half with fake blood)
  • Sensei: SpongeBob SQUAREPANTS, WHAT WAS THAT?!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, nothing. I just showed this dummy what was up with some...kah-rat-ay.
  • Sensei: KARATE IS AGAINST THE RULES OF A WARRIOR! INSTEAD, YOU MUST USE REAL MARTIAL ARTS! FAILED!
  • SpongeBob: Damn. (He draws his sword and hacks off the dummy's arms)
  • Sensei (covered in fake blood) That's a massive improvement!
  • (Sandy twirls her nunchucks and slashes the dummy's chest, while Frugrum disembowels his dummy, Sword shoots an arrow through his dummy's head and Patrick inflates his dummy until it explodes)
  • Sensei: Patrick!
  • Patrick: What did I do?
  • Sensei: You have the strangest methods of killing! Be normal!
  • Patrick: Is this normal? (He pulls the dummy's outer layer off with his bare hands)
  • Sensei: I suppose you are pretty good.
  • (The scene zooms across the training field, where people are fighting their dummies. The ground is covered in fake blood)
  • Sensei: Well done, all of you. Now, we shall be moving on to another class, Accuracy 101.
  • Patrick: Why 101? Couldn't it be 234 or 368 or 666?
  • Sensei: Nobody knows.
  • (They walk further until they get to a tree with a bullseye on it)
  • SpongeBob: (shivering) I don't like trees.
  • Sensei: Well, you'll have to get used to them! There are five here! Now, we shall learn the basics of accuracy, by throwing our weapons at the trees. If you hit the tree, ten points. If you hit the white on the target, fifteen. Black, twenty. Blue, twenty-five. Red, thirty. Yellow, fifty. Each point counts for the clan And the clan with the most points will get a prize. Now, start!
  • (Patrick comes up from behind the tree)
  • Patrick: I didn't hear any of that.
  • Sensei: I am not repeating it. And you are getting in the way of our students!
  • Patrick (in front of tree) Hey, guys. What the hell are you - (An arrow hits him straight in the heart)
  • Sensei: Well done, Zorg. Fifty points.
  • Zorg: Did I hit the yellow?
  • Patrick: Yeah, you did. (He walks away, showing that his heart was right at the yellow. He then walks to the next tree, and a sword hits him right where he was hit by the arrow) Listen, I don't have a goddamn clue why you are doing this. Is it pure sadistic value, or just some cheap magic trick? (He walks to the next tree and a mace hits him in the same place) Uhh... (He passes out)
  • Sensei: Sorry, someone got in the way. Now, FIRE!
  • (SpongeBob aims for the yellow but accidentally hits red.)
  • Sensei: Good, SpongeBob. Thirty points.
  • SpongeBob: Hooray!
  • Sensei: Now, Sandy Cheeks.
  • (Sandy throws weapon at the yellow. After she hits it, the weapon falls on Patrick.)
  • Patrick: (moaning) Owww...
  • Sensei: Well done, Sandy Cheeks! Fifty points.
  • Sandy: Yee-haw!
  • Sensei: Yeah, don't say that.
  • Sandy: Fine.
  • (Cut to next training exercise.)
  • Sandy: Umm...why are the boys in another room for this one?
  • Sensei: This one depends on the genders, Sandy. You see, as a warrior, you can't have your feelings taken by that lovey-dovey crap. No one cares how 'hot' or 'handsome' the enemy is. So, you must defeat these real interns---I mean, enemies, which are the hottest guys we could find.
  • (The male enemies come out, all wearing armor. Sandy's eyes change to hearts seeing a tall and handsome one.)
  • Sandy: (to the tall, handsome one): H-h-h-i. So, you come around here o-
  • (The enemies all uppercut Sandy at the same time as she hits the ground in slow-motion.)
  • Sandy: What...was that for?
  • Sensei: Did you completely forget the lesson? The lesson is not to be distracted by the enemy, no matter how good-looking or attractive. I'm certain the boys did much bet-
  • (SpongeBob and Patrick come in, with hearts in their eyes and scars all over them.)
  • Patrick: No matter how many times she stabs me, she'll be my angel...
  • Sandy: (thinking) She couldn't be more better-looking then me. Not that I like Patrick, I mean, I like him as a friend, but...oh, never mind.
  • Sensei: Never mind, Sandy. Compared to them, you get ten points. You boys...oh boy, this is gonna be hard.
  • (A really good looking man with a Playsponge magazine and a really long sword comes in.)
  • Sandy: That's you on the cover, right?
  • Sensei: Send in the love bleches! That will teach you to ignore people!
  • (A pink slimy creature with three eyes and two mouths slithers in)
  • Blech: I will kiss you. You look tasty. I shall wrap my slime around you, you hunky squirrel!
  • (Sandy shivers. The blech moves closer)
  • Blech: You will be sleeping in my cave tonight. Sandy, I will explode from your beauty before I'll get to do anything like that with you! (It grits all of its teeth then explodes. Pink and red goo showers Sandy.)
  • Sandy: Glad that's over.
  • Sensei: You aren't the best at resisting temptation, but you were good.
  • SpongeBob: I'm disturbed just looking at that thing.
  • (Sensei stares at Blech, which has reformed.)
  • Sensei: Ahem...
  • Blech: What?
  • Sensei: YOU MAY GO NOW!
  • Blech: Fine.
  • (Blech walks out.)
  • Sensei: So, we've got our Agility class now.
  • Patrick: What's agility?
  • Sensei: You should know by now!
  • Patrick: But I don't.
  • Sensei: Alright, so here is your agility course. (The screen zooms out to show a giant climbing frame with spikes all over it. It has huge gaps inbetween.) Pure Fear.
  • SpongeBob: Aren't you meant to reassure us?
  • Zorg: Yeah, there's no way I'm going on that thing!
  • Sword: Last time I did this thing, I got a broken leg!
  • Sensei: You're meant to be fearless and tough! No reassuring needed! Alright, Sandy --- you go first. And go on your back the whole way!
  • (Sandy gulps and climbs up the ladder)
  • Sandy: I can do it... I can do it.
  • Sensei: On your back!
  • (Sandy starts sliding along the spikes, leaving a trail of fur)
  • Sandy: Ow! (She nearly falls through a gap and everyone covers their eyes)
  • SpongeBob: Is she dead?
  • Patrick: How would I know? I'm covering my eyes too!
  • (We then see Sandy fall in slow motion but she puts her legs on the bar and hangs like a monkey.)
  • Sandy: Woo! (She gets back up and continues walking like a crab along. Her suit gets caught on a spike.
  • (We see the pained expression on Sandy's face)
  • Sandy: AAAAAUUUGH! (She continues to run on her back)
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: Faster! Faster!
  • (She runs even faster but is then stopped by a hanging skeleton)
  • Sandy: Are you sure this is safe?
  • Sensei: No. It's meant to test your endurance and agility! That skeleton just couldn't cut it.
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: FASTER! FASTER!
  • (She continues to slide along until she reaches the ladder. She climbs down and collapses in a heap.)
  • Everyone: Hooray!
  • Sensei: You did it in around 7 minutes. Well done.
  • Sandy: I guess that's good, but I really need to rest my back. (We see a close-up of her back, which is bleeding, and is missing clumps of fur)
  • Sensei: Next up, Patrick!
  • Patrick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
  • (Cut to the next lesson)
  • (Patrick is almost completely black with bruises. He speaks to Sandy.)
  • Patrick: That really wore me out. Let's hope for something gentler, Sandy.
  • Sensei: Now, to your next lesson; RESPECTING YOUR CLAN MEMBERS!
  • Patrick: That's a lame title for a lesson.
  • Sandy: I thought you wanted something gent-
  • Sensei: Quiet! As you may know, some of your clan members are...well...awkward. But that doesn't mean you don't treat them with d-
  • Patrick: May I be excused?
  • Sensei: Why?
  • Patrick: Because this lesson is boring!
  • Sensei: NO! You are staying right here! Anyways, as I was saying---
  • Sandy: We should have started with this one so we could start punching things right now!
  • Sensei: This is my lesson, so I teach it! Anywa---
  • SpongeBob: What's the need for this lesson anyways?
  • Sensei: You know what? Fine. Go without the lesson. You're dismissed.
  • Patrick: But can't we go smash some more stuff?
  • Sensei: NO! Go to your tent now!
  • (SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy walk off to their tents. Patrick is sitting on the floor.)
  • Patrick: Look outside!
  • (A fiery dragon is blowing fire and crushing tents next to a dungeon and a treasure chest. An alien bursts out of the chest.)
  • Sandy: Dungeons and dragons!
  • Patrick: Aliens bursting out of chests!
  • SpongeBob: Let's alert everyone about this.
  • Patrick: Okay. (He flexes his muscles.)
  • (They walk outside, rain is pouring. The alien comes up to Sandy but she squashes it with her boot.)
  • Sandy: That was easy. (The dragon comes towards her) Crap.
  • (They all run to the Sensei)
  • All: There's a dragon!
  • Patrick: (Reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) Yeah! It's in Gringotts and Harry, Ron and Hermione are escaping on it!
  • SpongeBob: No! It's coming towards us!
  • Patrick: (reading) What? Snape... killed... Dumbledore? (slow motion) NOOOOO. (back to normal) I haven't read the Half-Blood Prince!
  • (The dragon is in full view)
  • Sensei: Everybody! There is a dragon! Do not run, we must do some first-hand training!
  • (The clans draw their swords. Zorg shoots a crossbow at it while Rambo music plays. Frugrum uses a slash. A pair of twins are holding a wand)
  • Twins: ICE MAGIC!!! (A shard of ice shoots from their wand on to the dragon.)
  • SpongeBob: We need to get at it!
  • Patrick: Charge!!!! (He runs towards the dragon with his sword and stabs it three times. The dragon breathes fire at him) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, are you okay? Does it hurt? How painful is it out of 10?
  • Patrick: OVER 9000!!!!
  • (SpongeBob runs towards the dragon)
  • SpongeBob: Hello, dragon. My name is SpongeBob SquarePants. You hurt my friend. Prepare to die. (He attempts to slit its throat, but his sword breaks and then Patrick runs past with five daggers.)
  • Patrick: This is my time to shine. (He gets hit by Zorg's spear) Owwww. (He slips down the dragon.)
  • (Ten clan members run past with giant clubs, led by trolls with even bigger clubs)
  • Clan Members: We are the Earth tribe, and we will be the slayers of this dragon. Hit it, trolls!
  • Troll: UUUNNNGHHH!
  • Frugrum: This is amusing. (He gets burnt to a charred skeleton by the dragon.)
  • Patrick: Oh my god, you killed Frugrum!
  • Sandy: Take some traditional KA-RA-TAY! (She runs in slow motion to the dragon)
  • SpongeBob: Look, Frugrum's not dead!
  • (Points at Frugrum, who is coughing up blood.)
  • Patrick: He sure is injured, though.
  • SpongeBob: Listen, guys, we've gotta fight tough as hell!
  • Sandy: Right!
  • Patrick: Right!
  • (Just as they are about to attack the dragon, Frugrum gets burnt again, and he does die this time. He comes back in the next episode though.)
  • Patrick: D'oh! I missed the death!
  • (We then see someone being eaten by a dragon and he drops his bloodstained mace to the ground. Sandy picks it up and beats the dragon with it. We see a wound in the dragon's body, which very quickly heals up.)
  • SpongeBob: We can handle this. Patrick, OFF WITH THE DAMN HEAD!!!!
  • (Patrick charges towards the dragon with his sword and cuts its neck slightly. Sandy then makes the slice a bit bigger.)
  • Patrick: Why did his head have to be unseverable?
  • Sandy: I don't think that's a word, Patri-
  • (Epic music plays as SpongeBob comes forward with his blade, jumps up and cuts the dragon's head clean off. He then impales the head on his blade.)
  • Sandy: SpongeBob, you did it! (Everyone cheers)
  • Sensei: Swiss City could have been doomed due to that dragon, but you three killed it, and I can not tell you how proud I am! Normally, I'd just move you up to Level 2, but all of you get level 3 for this astounding work!
  • (The three cheer)
  • Patrick: Where do dragons come from?
  • Sensei: I'm sure I don't want to tell the whole dragon mating process to you, but I'll just say where they live: The City of Blood. (Lightning flashes)
  • Patrick: I don't want to know any more, thank you.
  • (SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy walk off into the sunset, while music plays. We then see the dragon's spirit in the sky and we faintly hear Patrick's voice)
  • Patrick: What's a dragon?
  • THE END

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