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(the episode begins with a message apologising for any offense brought up doing the episode, we then cut to the Krusty Krab and SpongeBob is making a Krabby Patty)
SpongeBob: (doing as he says) First you take a bun, add the patty, onions, lettuce- Oops! Almost forgot the ketchup! I'll just take off the (in a manly voice) vegetables! (back to normal) There, just need to squirt the ketchup, add the rest of the ingredients followed by the second bun and wa-la! Woah, we don't get sandwiches like you nowadays. In fact, you look so pretty I can take you out on a date! (he laughs) Gosh, that reminds me. I have a date with Sandy tonight, it's Valentines Day. (he giggles)
Squidward: SpongeBob, have you got order seventeen yet? It's been fifteen minutes and the customer's demanding a refund! If you don't hurry up soon Mr. Krabs has threatened to fire me from- (he turns around realising SpongeBob has just delivered the order) my job. (pause)
SpongeBob: (going back into the kitchen) You know what they say, a good employee is an efficient one.
Squidward: Since when did they start saying that... Say SpongeBob, how long until our break?
SpongeBob: I dunno, let me just refer to the employee handbook. (takes out the handbook) Page 1-9-8-8 clearly states-
Mr. Krabs: (finishing his sentence) There are no breaks! (he laughs) That is unless you're willing to pay up. (he reaches out his hand)
Squidward: Alright, alright. (he gives him 50p)
Mr. Krabs: You know, every penny counts. Especially tonight, that Valentines Day open evening was a great idea boy-o! Couples from around town will come here for a nice relaxing meal and best of all, you guys are working 'till midnight!
Squidward: Midnight? What do you think this restraunt is, Fancy? Hehehehe, Fancy...
Mr. Krabs: (pause) Back to work.
Squidward: Wait a minute, why did you decide to go with the man-x-girl strategy?
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?
Squidward: The posters SpongeBob sent out last night for tonight. You know, not everyone is straight...
Mr. Krabs: Well, I guess I am a bit rusty.
Squidward: I mean there have to be people who might want to come who are gay, lesbian, that kind of thing. And guess what? You decided to not invite them!
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! I'll have you know I did that for a reason. I'm not homophobic, I swear! It's just that, well... I have er, Japanese relatives.
Squidward: Oh really?
Mr. Krabs: Well, er, what do you know about that kind of thing anyway?
Squidward: Well, what if I told you I'm bisexual myself...
Mr. Krabs: You wouldn't!
Squidward: Oh, I would... (we see Squidward being thrown out of the restraunt)
Mr. Krabs: And stay out!
Squidward: Yep, he's homophobic... (SpongeBob gets thrown out too)
SpongeBob: Poor Squidward... No wonder you're always so grumpy, if only you had a friend who saw the world the same way as you. That's it! Don't worry, Squidward! I'll find you your perfect match! (he runs off)
Squidward: I never thought he'd seem so happy about getting the sack, it's like he's not even acknowledging it!
Mr. Krabs: (coming out of the restraunt) Oh, I only fired you. SpongeBob's just on his break. (he walks off)
Squidward: I pay good money for a break and he gets one for free? Ugh, why did I give him that 50p? (pause) Damn it, I just thought of a really good one-liner. Well, there's nothing or nobody saying I can't say it now: SpongeBob wouldn't know love even if it came and hit him in the face! This whole time he's been driving 'round like 'what is love, baby don't hurt me!' (he laughs then stops) Yeah, it doesn't have the same feeling... (we see a montage of SpongeBob trying to find Squidward's perfect match, accompanied by You Spin Me Round)
If I, I get to know your name. (SpongeBob walks through town) Well if I, could trace your private number, baby. (SpongeBob looks into a bin) All I know is that to me, you look like your lots of fun. (SpongeBob gets stuck in the bin, falls on himself and takes the bin off his head) Open up your lovin' arms, I want some want some. (Robbie Rotten walks by and laughs at him) I set my sights on you. (SpongeBob looks in Temmie's house and sees Temmie playing Wii Sports) And no one else will do. (Temmie lets go of the Wiimote and breaks the TV, SpongeBob goes to Patrick's house) And I, I've got to have my way now baby. (Patrick shakes his head as SpongeBob asks a question) All I know is that to me, you look like your lots of fun. Open up your lovin' arms, watch out here I come. (SpongeBob leaves to see Plankton on a bench looking in the mirror) You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round. (SpongeBob's head spins around on a CGI background as he is confused, lesbain/gay couples are in the background) You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round. (same continues) I want you love, I want your love. (SpongeBob follows Plankton to his lair wear he flexes his muscles and has a chat with Karen) You spin me round. (the song ends)
Plankton: SpongeBob? Oh what a pleasant surprise. Now, could you try to do, err, whatever your doing another time. You see, it's me and Karen's alone time. What suits you, Tuesday?
SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm available.
Plankton: Right, see you next Tuesday! (he pushes SpongeBob out the door)
SpongeBob: Match made. (we cut to the Krusty Krab's Valentine's Day open evening)
Mr. Krabs: (greeting a couple) Right this way, my dazzling duo.
SpongeBob: (walking in) Oh, I really like what you've done with the place.
Mr. Krabs: Thanks! A bunch of scented candles and fresh wallpaper always does the trick. Now, why don't you whip up our main course?
SpongeBob: What's that?
Mr. Krabs: A krabby patty you dimwit! Don't worry about the starters-
SpongeBob: The what?
Mr. Krabs: (he sighs) Fancy dining is normally split into three parts. Starters, that's the appetiser to you and me, the main course and dessert!
SpongeBob: Oh! Then why do you call the starter the appetiser?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I just whipped up some (he whispers to SpongeBob what sounds like 'cannabis') They'll be addicted in no time! (they laugh until SpongeBob stops and realises how wrong it is) Don't worry, boy! How bad can I be? I'm just doing what comes naturally! There's a principal in business that every body knows, it starts with the money and ends snorted up the customer's nose! (pause) Laugh, kid, I spent all morning thinking of that. (they laugh uncomfortably until Plankton enters with Karen) PLANKTON! What are you up to this time?
Plankton: Oh, I'm just up for a date with my wife Karen.
Karen: Hi Eugene!
Mr. Krabs: Why hello! (to Plankton) I'm watching you...
Plankton: Relax, Krabs. How bad can I be? I'm just doing what comes naturally. (the couple pass by and Squidward enters)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, Squidward! I thought I fired you!
Squidward: Oh, you did. I'm just here for a date with myself!
Bill Cipher: (appearing from a table) Hey, so am I!
Squidward: Bill? The guy who complemented my work at the Chum Bucket?
Bill Cipher: Yep, it's me. Why don't we get together for the night?
Squidward: Sure! (he goes over to the table) I never though I'd become gay but, I guess I am. Hope Ol' Krabs doesn't mind, he fired me when I joked over being bisexual.
Bill Cipher: Don't worry, Netflix and chill! I don't have a gender, I'm a demon!
SpongeBob: That was a joke? And I spent all that time finding his perfect match. And Plankton had a wife too!
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, boy-o. He's found his match now, like I did. You see kid, back in my navy days I found the love of my life: Mr. Penny. Cap'in through me overboard after he found out I was gay. I was homophobic ever since... I guess the moral it to not judge someone by their race, gender or sexuality. At the end of the day, we're all equal! I might decided to lighten up now, you shouldn't though.
SpongeBob: Why's that?
Mr. Krabs: You'r zipper's undone! (he laughs with Sandy when she walks in)