(Squidward gets into chairs, turns on TV and screams).
Squidward: Oh my, got to get a hold of myself, I--ahhhh!!!
Seuss the Qatar's Lord on TV: And that was The Atomic Rock Shadow in Low E Minor, Rock it!
(TV screen shatters)
Squidward: Oh great, I can do better than that!
Squilliam: A one, a two, a one, two, three!
(Squilliam's band plays The Blue Danube with Squidward walking past him)
Squidward: Who put him on this planet? Psssst.
Squilliam: (to Squidward) I heard that!
DJ Coricoral on the radio: And here is the hit album My Sunken and Shrunken Socks--
(Squidward turns radio off)
Squidward: Does any know how to play music anymore? All it is is show-off, and rock! Except for the Squidstones, little Trebels and Clam-Clam were singing, so cute. But I'm going to be the best man in the world!
SpongeBob: Squidward, you...uh, according to this best musician list, you're #10067535678905432, only being followed by one person, Patrick, and if he wasn't here, you would be last. But don't fret, I'm only 12000 places in front of you.
Squidward: My dork of a neighbor beat me?
SpongeBob: Yes. Squilliam is first and besides me is Freckled Boy from Rock Bottom and Gary.
Squidward: I'm a loser.
SpongeBob: You're not.
Squidward: I am.
SpongeBob: True. But you can change that somehow.
Squidward: Wait! I've got a...what's the word for it?...
Squidward: Right! I've got a fantabulabulastical-sorta idea! Oh yeah!
Squidward: Now band, stop the chitter-chatter cooked-on-platter thing and listen to me. Patrick, I want you to play the keyboard.
Patrick: Yes sir!
Squidward: SpongeBob, trombone!
SpongeBob: Yes, Leg-no-toe! Ha! Making fun of legato.
Squidward: Okay....Everyone else, you're places! And together, we're Orchestragraphicality!
(Confetti comes flying out of nowhere)
SpongeBob: What does that mean?
Patrick: A piece of cheese?
Beltruce: A clambonie?
Fish #1: The study of orchestras?
Squidward: No. It's the name of our band. It's not like your name means anything. Like SpongeBob's, his name means n--
SpongeBob: I'm a sponge, my nickname's Bob, I love squares, I wear pants, that's how I got my name.
Squidward: Alright, forget about the name! Just get on with the playing.
Beltruce: A one, two, one, two, three, four....
(Band plays Suction Cup Symphony roughly when Patrick plays checkers)
Patrick: I'm playing! It's just that I'm losing
Patrick; I heard that!
Squidward: Other than that, you were horrible. But, my skill can rub off on you.
Squidward: Now if Squilliam can give up...
Squilliam: I heard that!
Squidward: ...we can be the best band in Bikini Bottom!
SpongeBob: So...I just play what I know?
Squidward: Pretty much. And...go!
(Plays some sour notes on trombone)
SpongeBob: How'd I do?
Squidward: Good....Oh my gosh, that was horrible!...
SpongeBob: I heard that!
SpongeBob: Now, where's my sheets?
Squidward: By that performance, you won't even be getting one note.
SpongeBob: Please, please, please! I want to be in your band!
Squidward: Alright. But let me check on the others.
(Squidward walks to other band players)
Squidward: Now to check the---- HOLY SHRIMP!
(Squidward sees band fighting)
Squidward: Stop! Or I'll kick you out!
Everybody: We heard that!
Squidward: Now, I've got to run because of my shame, get the day off, I'm a failure.
SpongeBob: Not hooray. He stood up for us, and we failed him.
Squidward: Just to make sure you've been trying to help me overnight, come tomorrow.
SpongeBob: We'll stay here and practise, right?
(Squidward walks out of room)
Beltruce: A one, at two, a one, two, three...
(Band plays The Can-Can prefectly while Beltruce in a skirt does the dance)
Time Card: One miracle later...
Squidward: Okay, let us see how well you did.
(Everyone plays horribly)
Squidward: Okay, you were horrible.
Everybody: We heard that!
Squidward: You are all kicked out, guess one of you can make another CD or something.
(Throws empty CD to band)
Squidward: Use it. I'm a failure.
SpongeBob: Wait a second....
(Band plays "Russian Dance" perfectly on radio.)