Rated T - For Teenagers

This article has been rated T, meaning should be suitable for everyone 12 and up, by the PI Rating System.

President Pampers is the 3rd episode of Pampers: The Series. It was written by PolarKey.


President Donald Duck resigns and, with no one willing to take his place, Pampers somehow becomes president!


(the episode opens with Pampers and SpongeCicle watching the news, SpongeCicle is sitting next to a cheap fan at full blast)

Pampers: Could you turn it down a bit? I’m trying to watch the- (shits himself) tele… (Pampers turns the fan down to its weakest setting)

SpongeCicle: Hey! Do you realise how hot it is out there? (he turns the fan back up to full blast)

Pampers: We’re at home, not at the strip club! (turns the fan back down again)

SpongeCicle: As you would know… (turns it back again up to full blast)

Pampers: (annoyed) Oh my f-ing God! Just turn it down! (turns it back down again)

News Reporter: (on TV) This just in, New Sealand President Donald Duck has just resigned! (SpongeCicle immediately melts)

Pampers: (sarcastically) Oh my God! I hope he’s OK!

SpongeCicle: (weakly) I’m fine, thank y-

Pampers: I’m not talking about you, you horrible excuse of a living ice lolly! I’m talking about President Donald Duck! He’s just resigned!

News Reporter: (on TV) I am here at the scene right now. President Donald Duck resigned after he was hospitalised after mixing meth with viagra!

Pampers: Well, that’s not good, is it?

SpongeCicle: (still weak) So is his full title now Non-President Donald Duck or-

Pampers: (happily) This is the happiest day of my life! Y’know what this means? They’ll probably get someone like Daffy Duck or FDBackup to replace him!

SpongeCicle: (still weak) FDBackup would make a good president.

News Reporter: (on TV) ...and no one is willing to take his place! First person who gets down here within the next five minutes is officially our new president, at least that’s what it look like. (listens into his earpiece) You serious? (pause) Wow… You’re crazy! Write a resignation letter on my behalf, Pat, I’m officially the new Presi-

Pampers: (arriving on location) When do I get my free cookies?

News Reporter: Huh?

Pampers: I’m the first person here, I’m the new president!

News Reporter: Well, uh…

Secretary: (a limo arrives on location, she steps out) Congratulations! You are now New Sealand’s new president!

Pampers: YAY!

News Reporter: But- But- But-

Secretary: Don’t be use such foul language, you bottom-feeder!

News Reporter: B- B- B- But- (Not Squidward comes running and stands next to them)

Not Squidward: (panting) Did I, uh, make it on time?

Secretary: Unfortunately not, Squidward.

Not Squidward: What the- (annoyed, angrily) I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!

Secretary: Come on Mr., uh…

Pampers: Did you assume my gender?

Secretary: Sorry, Miss, uh…

Pampers: I’m male.

Secretary: But you just-

Pampers: (annoyed) Just hurry up, already!

Secretary: Uh… We must go now, Mr., um…

Pampers: Pampers. President Pampers.

Secretary: Did your parents really name you after a diaper brand?

Pampers: No, they named me after Pampers Baby Dry Size 6.

Secretary: Well, President Pampers, the black house awaits!

News Reporter: (muttering) Racist!

Not Squidward: Can I come too?

Pampers: Sorry, Squidward. Presidential stuff calls! (he flies off)

Not Squidward: (angrily) I AM NOT SQUIDWARD! I AM NOT SQUIDWARD! (storms off)

Secretary: Did he just fly away? (gets back into the limo and drives after him)

Reporter: (as he speaks the camera zooms out of the TV to reveal SpongeCicle still lying on the floor, having melted) So, uh, back to you in the studio, Bob.

SpongeCicle: Meep.

(cut to Pampers being shown to his desk in the black house)

Pampers: Ooh! My very own office room! (shits himself) HUH!

Secretary: Yes. (sarcastically) Very exciting. Ahem. This is the telephone, this is your swingy chair-

Pampers: Not an ordinary chair! (the secretary looks very confused) A swingy chair! I’ve never shat- I mean sat on one of these before! (he hugs it as if he’s never seen one before) I love you. (he stops hugging it)

Secretary: Uh, yes.

Pampers: Oh! (pointing to a big red button) What does this button do?

Secretary: (panicking) DON’T PRESS THAT! It sends a nuclear bomb out somewhere. We don’t know where yet, but it would be best not to press it without good cause.

Pampers: (proud) Very wise, a bit like myself.

Secretary: (a bit freaked out) I’ll just leave you to it. Oh, and here’s your presidential paperwork. (she gives him a stack full of paperwork)

Pampers: Aww, why does being the president have to be so hard? (the secretary leaves a room to find an insane Not Squidward waiting in the corridor)


Secretary: SECURITY! (security come and carry Not Squidward away)

Not Squidward: NO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! (screaming) I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!!! (cut to outside The Cum Bucket, Plankles is adding a sign in the window stating that President Pampers used to work here, his brother Plank-ees walks by)

Plankles: Hey, bruv.

Plank-ees: What’s up, brudda?

Plankles: Not much. The Cum Bucket isn’t doing so well recently.

Plank-ees: Oh, congrats, by the way, Plankles.

Plankles: On what?

Plank-ees: Your former employee Pampers is the president now.

Plankles: (proud) He takes after me.

Plank-ees: I wonder what sort of presidential matters he’s getting up to right now.

(cut back to the black house Pampers has made his paperwork into paper aeroplanes, has decided to blast ‘Everybody Hates Red Flanders’ at volume 11 and is constantly shitting himself while spinning around on the spinny chair)

Pampers: HUH!

(cut back to outside The Cum Bucket)

Plankles: Wanna try a cumberland burger?

Plank-ees: (disgusted) I’ll, er, pass on that one.

Plankles: Oh, I’m popping out later tonight, Plank-ees. I’ve got another heist.

Plank-ees: You still trying to get the crack patty secret formula?

Plankles: Yeah. I never succeed, but I’m always high on weed… ...anyway.

(cut back to the black house, Not Squidward is climbing a ladder up to Pampers’ office)

Not Squidward: Must… show… them… the tr… truth! (he reaches the top a throws a rock at the window, this hits Pampers’ head)

Pampers: Ouch. (a lightbulb appears over his head, he puts on a fake scream, the secretary and a bunch of security guards and first aiders come running)

Secretary: What’s the matter, your presidential-ness?

Pampers: He tried to assassinate me!

Secretary: For f**k’s sake, it’s Squidward again!

Not Squidward: (angrily) WHAT? I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!!! (he screams as he is carried away, the secretary presses a blue button on the desk and the building goes into lockdown mode)

Pampers: This is fun!

(cut to the next day, the secretary enters the office to find Pampers religiously worshipping the spinny chair)

Secretary: Uh, what are you doing?

Pampers: (calmly) Don’t interrupt me.

Secretary: But, uh, sir, you’re the one who called me in here.

Pampers: Oh yeah. (he kisses the spinny chair) Be back in a minute, love. We have a date tonight.

Secretary: I’ll, uh, be ‘chair’ing you in! (laughs at her own bad joke, before realising how bad it really is) Ha, ha, huh…

Pampers: Unnamed Secretary, I wanna make a new law!

Secretary: I’m afraid that that isn’t exactly how it works.

Pampers: OK. (he is about to press the red button when the secretary stops him)

Secretary: (afraid) NO!!! I mean, uh… What law do you want to make?

Pampers: I wanna make sand illegal.

Secretary: Well, that might be impossible because, um, sand IS everywhere.

Pampers: Do it!

Secretary: No.

Pampers: I have a button here with the ability to nuke who knows what-

Secretary: (reluctant) Fine. Anything else?

Pampers: Oh, I declare war on SpongeBot Entertainment.

Secretary: But why, sir?

Pampers: We don’t like them.

Secretary: Uh… (Not Squidward bursts through the doors with a sack over his shoulders, he throws it on the floor revealing Squidward)

Not Squidward: SEE? THIS is the real Squidward! That is Squidward! AND I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!

Squidward: (sleepily) Where am I? (security are heard running up the stairs)

Not Squidward: (scared, angry, annoyed) NO! THEY’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Secretary: Squidward, I would very much appreciate it if you left us all alone.

Not Squidward: (angrily, screaming) I AM NOT SQUIDWARD!

Security Guard: (arriving at the door) Which one of you is the one we’re after?

Not Squidward: (pointing to Squidward) That one!

Squidward: Huh?


Security Guard: You’re both coming with us until we figure out this mess.

Not Squidward: Catch me if you can! (pushes Squidward to one side and onto the red button while he runs off)

Pampers, Secretary and all the security guards: NO!!! (an explosion is seen and the episode abruptly ends, a message appears after the credits)