Seventy Things Squidward Hates About Squilliam Fancyson Has Been Challenged!

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Seventy Things Squidward Hates About Squilliam Fancyson

  1. His snobbery
  2. The way he flaunts his wealth
  3. His fame
  4. His body
  5. But mostly his wealth and fame
  6. His self-satisfied laugh
  7. His nervous laugh
  8. His laugh right before he starts crying
  9. His laugh when something strikes him as funny
  10. Or when someone tickles him
  11. Not so much on his torso or his feet, but right at the base of his neck. It’s actually more of a squeal than a laugh
  12. The blobby birthmark beneath his bellybutton. The one he claims looks like a heart, but actually looks more like a deformed lima bean
  13. The way he rolls his Rs when he’s overly pleased with himself
  14. The look he gives me when he knows he’s right
  15. The look he gives me when he knows I’m right
  16. The look he gives me when he’s afraid I might not want him anymore
  17. The look he gives me when I unintentionally hurt him
  18. The look he gives me when I intentionally cheer him up
  19. I meant unintentionally. When I UNintentionally cheer him up. Because I certainly wouldn’t waste my time cheering him up purposefully
  20. The fact that he’s ambidextrous
  21. The way he can curl onto the couch as though he’s insubstantial, bundled under a blanket with that lost-puppy expression he tends to get when he thinks no one’s noticing.
  22. Not that I would ever notice, because I hate him too much to care
  23. His overzealous sexual appetite
  24. Which isn’t limited to any set race, gender, age, species, or … well, anything
  25. The way he mentally recites the alphabet whenever he doesn’t want to hear something, but his face looks calm, so no one can ever tell when he’s upset or tuning you out
  26. The way he always remembers the things I said/believed/did in high school, even though I forgot them moments after they happened
  27. The fact that he was so dang popular in high school
  28. But he doesn’t have a best friend
  29. Or any friends, if you ask him
  30. Even though he’s almost never alone
  31. Because he fears abandonment, even if he hates clinginess
  32. The fact that asymmetry bothers him
  33. Which is probably why his unibrow is so neatly trimmed
  34. In fact, I hate his unibrow
  35. Especially the way it bunches slightly when he’s confused
  36. I especially hate the way he hogs the blankets
  37. And cuddles
  38. But only when he’s asleep
  39. hate the way his nose wrinkles when he’s disgusted
  40. And the way his eyes widen when he’s surprised
  41. And sparkle when he’s pleased
  42. I doubt my eyes ever sparkle
  43. The way his body matches mine perfectly
  44. And the way he fits perfectly inside me
  45. And I fit perfectly inside him
  46. (because god forbid he even be consistent with dominating-why does he always make ME do everything?)
  47. The scared little face he gets right before I **** him
  48. As if he thinks I might actually hurt him this time
  49. The almost-pained expression he makes when he ****s
  50. The way he tastes
  51. The fact that he tastes better than I do
  52. And yes, I’m including **** in that category
  53. Not that I’ve ever eaten my own **** to verify this fact
  54. Or, uh, his either
  55. The way he leaves after we **** and I worry that he won’t come back
  56. The fact that he always, always comes back
  57. The fact that lately he’s been staying longer than usual
  58. And not just for the sex, either
  59. The fact that he can’t cook worth shit
  60. And isn’t the kind of guy to make someone breakfast in bed
  61. But would happily order in, if we were staying at his house
  62. Except we almost never are at his house
  63. Because he both loves and loathes his wealth
  64. The fact that we live vicariously through one another
  65. The way he humiliates me in front of his friends
  66. The fact that this doesn’t even bother me any longer
  67. Because at least he’s talking about me at all
  68. The sound his feet make on my linoleum
  69. The sound his body makes against my mattress