This article has survived the possibility of being removed from the wiki and continues on. Anti-censorship for the win!
Special template in honor of Banned Books Week.
This article is rated R, meaning it contains content that may be inappropriate for readers under 17. This may contain strong sexual references, violence, or language, so readers are strongly cautioned.
Squidward sighed and let him self soak up in the bath. Ah… it was nice having SpongeBob and Patrick away on vacation. Now he could finally have the time to relax in the bath. Even though he was still in the Bikini Bottom, Squidward felt as if he were on vacation. Anything could be considered a vacation without them two barnacle-heads around.
Bring-ring! The phone in the kitchen was ringing. ‘Who can it be this time?’, Squidward thought, and he let out a grunt as he hopped out of the bath tub and wrapped a lavender-colored, lavender-scented towel that he had washed just for this occasion around his waist. He left drips of water on the floor behind him as he dragged him self down the hallway.
‘’This is Squidward Tentacles.’’
‘’This is my ass, calling from Hell!’’ a squeaky voice giggled from on the line.
In his mind, Squidward told himself to hang up the phone, but another part of him told him to do something else. That other part won.
‘’Who the fuck is this?’’
‘’Listen, lady...’’ the voice on the phone paused. ‘’…how old are you?’’
‘’It’s none of your business how old I am, and I’m a guy! Now who the hell are you?!’’
‘’How old are you?’’
‘’It’s none of you’re business!’’
‘’Answer my question!’’
‘’No fucking way in hell I’m answering your question!’’
‘’Now listen, lady…’’ the voice on the other end began. But Squidward interrupted.
‘’I’M NOT A LADY!’’
‘’Oh, you’re a guy? Then have you ever gotten your girlfriend pregnant?’’
‘’What the fuck is bellognah?’’
Another voice came on to the phone. ‘’…’’ The voice was sort of familiar.
‘’This is fucking ridiculous!’’ Squidward was about to blow a vein.
Then the other voice came back on to the phone. ‘’How was your time in the county jail?’’ the voice asked.
‘’I NEVER WENT TO JAIL!’’ Squidward screamed back. ‘’It’s none of your business how old I am, I never got my girlfriend pregnant, I never went to jail, I’m a guy, and what the fuck is bellognah!?’’
‘’Don’t you give me that!’’
‘’Don’t give you what!?’’ Squidward continued to scream back.
‘’Ya don’t give me nothin’!’’ yelled the voice on the phone. ‘’Ya hear me bitch? Ya don’t wanna give me shit! Ya wanna know why? ‘Cause ya are da’ bitch and I am da’ man! Fuck you!’’
‘’Listen, asshole! What the fuck are you talking about? ‘’Cause ya are da’ bitch and I am da’ man!’ What the fuck is that shit? You just called me on the phone and started asking me stupid questions! You know what you are? You’re an asshole. Yeah. That’s right. You’re an asshole. You hear me asshole? Asshole!’’
‘’Fuck you!’’ screams the voice at the other end of the phone.
‘’Fuck you too!’’ yells Squidward. ‘’Have a very, very fuck-you day!’’
‘’…’’ Squidward was very thankful that he had shut up the voice at the other end of the phone. But he didn’t. ‘’Can I come to your house?’’
‘’You need to get a life!’’ yells the person at the other end of the line. ‘’You won’t even answer my questions!’’
‘’You’re the one that needs to get a life! It’s not my fault that I don’t want some asshole finding out all of my personal information! I mean, honestly! What the <censored> is wrong with you? You’re the one who needs to get a life! At least I have something better to do than call people I don’t know and start asking them stupid questions! Fuck you!’’
‘’…At least I don’t work at the cash register at the Krusty Krab…’’
‘’What the hell…?!’’
‘’…and at least I’m not bald…’’
‘’OH MY GOD, I HAVE A STALKER!’’ Squidward leaves the phone on the counter, and he runs in to his room. He would find out the truth sooner or later.
Through the phone receiver, the sound of a yellow sponge and a pink starfish laughing their asses off could be heard.
‘’Come on, let’s prank call Mr. Krabs now!’’
And SpongeBob dialed Mr. Krab’s phone number.
God, I still think this is the best thing I’ve ever written. Ever. It’s still the best thing I’ve ever written. How I came up with this? I prank called a guy, and this is basically the conversation we had. And also, he sounded a lot like Squidward, so I came up with this.